


What Hurts the Most

by ramimedley



Category: The Pacific (TV), sledgefu - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, Mention of alcohol, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:06:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25413646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramimedley/pseuds/ramimedley
Summary: “As he passed the window he took one last glance before the train pulled out.  Eugene’s face was so serene and peaceful as he slept.  Stopping and taking a deep breath he walked into the night, a lone tear sneaking its way down his cheek.”
Relationships: Eugene Sledge/Merriell “Snafu” Shelton
Comments: 17
Kudos: 30





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fan fiction. It’s based on the song, What Hurts the Most by the Rascal Flatts. It’s a bit angsty, so sorry in advance. I’d like to give a big thank you to scarvesandtrenchcoats for all of her wonderful help and support. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> This is based solely upon the characters in The Pacific (TV).

**_“I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don’t bother me.”_ **

Merriell sat on the back porch smoking a cigarette as he stared out into the darkening night. The cherry glowed red as he inhaled and listened to the crickets quietly chirping. It was hard sitting, listening to the rain pinging on the roof and thinking of the past. Did Eugene find some gorgeous little southern bell? Was he happy? 

He sighed in defeat as he thought back on their time together. Those moments were the happiest he’d ever been in his life. The stolen touches, soft kisses, bodies brushing, and gasping into one another’s mouths were stored in his heart forever. He brought them out now and then when feeling particularly lonely, like tonight. 

_“Snaf” Eugene whispered, sliding closer to him in the foxhole. “Are you asleep?”_

_“No, Sledge” he replied, peering at the younger man. His lips looked so tantalizing, eyes looking up through long lashes. What if he just leaned forward and took a quick taste, nothing more._

_Sledge leaned in closer, tilting his head to the side. “You ok, Snaf” he questioned._

_He could feel his breath ghosting over his mouth. It was all Snafu needed. Sliding forward, reaching his hand out to cup Sledge’s jaw, he pressed a sweet kiss to his mouth. It was over before it had really even begun._

There was nothing that would ever replace the memories. He’d keep them close to his heart always, until he left this earth. He knew he did the right thing when he walked off that train. He hadn’t heard from Sledge since he left him. He felt so alone.

**_“There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay,_ **

**_But that's not what gets me”_ **

Merriell spent his days working at the Sawmill, as many hours as he could get. The physical exertion often left him exhausted by the end of the day. Heading home he stopped by the liquor store and bought some bottom shelf whiskey. 

Upon his arrival he unscrewed the cap, taking a swig out of the bottle before pouring himself a glass. Sidling out to the porch he took a seat and tapped a cigarette out of the pack. Glancing down at the lighter a wave of nostalgia hit him.

_“I want you to have something before we go home” Eugene murmured. Leaning into Merriell’s space he held up the lighter Gunney Haney had given him._

_“I want you to keep it” he stated, pushing it towards him._

_Perplexed Merriell looked at him, blue eyes wary. “I can’t take that from you” he muttered, squeezing his hand against Eugene’s thigh._

_“I’m not giving it to you, Mer” he smiled, hazel eyes kind as always._

_“I just want you to hold on to it till we meet up again after the war.”_

_Merriell glanced at Sledge’s face for any signs of hesitation before reaching out to grasp the lighter, swiftly placing it in his pocket._

_“Sure,” he said. “I’ll keep it for you, Sledge.”_

**_“Seeing that lovin' you_ **

**_  
_ ** **_Is what I was trying to do”_ **

Merriell looked back one last time. The gorgeous auburn strands catching fire. The pale skin lined with dark lashes resting upon his face. Could he do it? Could he just walk away? After all they’d been through, been to each other, could he really just walk away from him?

Yes, he decided with a nod of his head, it was for the best. Eugene could live his life to the fullest without the drain of a relationship that was destined to fail . As much as it broke his heart to think of a life without him, he knew it was what Eugene needed to move forward. 

This was the one thing he could give him and would do so unapologetically. It was literally the only thing he had to give to him. A better life, a chance to be happy. As far as he could see, it was the only choice for Eugene and he would go to the ends of the earth to do what was right for him. Whatever it took for his boy to be happy and live a full life, Merriell would do it. 

He leaned down one last time closing his eyes and breathing deeply; inhaling the scent of pipe tobacco and everything that was only Eugene. He turned to head down the row to exit the platform, tears glistening in his eyes.

Stepping off the train was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Thinking of going back to a life of loneliness was debilitating, but as long as his boy was able to be happy, that’s all that mattered. That was love, ensuring the one you love could be happy and have a chance.

As he passed the window he took one last glance before the train pulled out. Eugene’s face was so serene and peaceful as he slept. Stopping and taking a deep breath he walked into the night, a lone tear sneaking its way down his cheek.

**_“It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go_ **

**_But I'm doing it”_ **

As Eugene awoke, the first thing he noticed was that he was alone. He startled fully awake and looked across the aisle to the seat where Snafu was sitting. He wasn’t there, where was he? 

Sledge’s heartbeat began to speed up as he hurriedly looked around the car. It couldn’t be, he wouldn’t have left him without a good-bye. He’d told him he would wake him up.

_“Go on to sleep, Sledge” Snafu murmured, brushing his hand across his cheek. “I’ll wake you up when we get to Nawlins, you look exhausted, Cher.”_

His breath began to speed up as he realized that Merriell had left him. He felt his breath catch as tears slid down his cheeks. 

Surely he had meant more to Snafu than just some quick fun and a way to pass the time while stuck in the dregs of war together.

His heart was slowly breaking in his chest as he thought about a life without his dark haired marine. A life without those brilliant blue eyes and mischievous smirk. What was he going to do?

_“_ **_Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret...But I know if I could do it over_ **

**_I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart_ **

**_That I left unspoken”_ **

“Hey” Sid smiled as he came out the back door. “How are you doing, Eugene” he asked, settling down in the chair next to him.

“Your Momma says you ain’t been up to much since getting back. What’s up?” he looked inquisitively at Eugene.

He looked thinner to Sid. Even more so since arriving home. The dark shadows under his eyes had deepened and he looked so dejected and alone.

“You sleeping ok” he asked, looking worried. “Your Mom said you haven’t been speaking much and you refuse to go out anywhere.” 

He looked so pale, almost sickly.

“Hell man, are you even sleeping at all?”

Eugene slowly lifted his eyes taking in his best friend. How would he respond if he knew what was really wrong. Would he hate him? Would he think less of him, shut him out? More than likely, he thought.

“I’m having some trouble with nightmares, Sid” he responded. “ I wake up every night screaming. It’s better just staying awake” he shrugged.

The first night, his father had come rushing in to try and wake him up and he’d accidentally hit him. He was still embarrassed that his father had seen him that way.

“Can’t your Dad give you something to help you sleep?” he asked. “You’ve got to get some sleep. It’s not healthy” he said worriedly, looking over at his friend. He was still in his pajamas and bathrobe and it was almost noon.

“Are you sure there’s nothing else bothering you, Gene.” He looked at Eugene waiting for an answer. “You can tell me anything, you know.”

Eugene leaned back in his chair. Yeah right, tell him anything. Tell him he’s pining away for a man that doesn’t love him enough to say good-bye? Tell him he feels like his heart has been ripped out and he’s hollow inside? Tell him that he sees those startling blue eyes every night in his sleep and thinks about that beautiful smirk first thing in the morning when he wakes up? Tell him that it was excruciating to know that to Merriell, he wasn’t enough.

“I’m fine, Sid,” he replied. “Just taking my time trying to get back on track.” He sighed. “It’s going to take a bit is all.”

“Well, I’m here if you need me, Gene”. 

They sat companionably looking out over the darkening meadow as thoughts raced through Eugene’s head.

**_“What hurts the most...is being so close”_ **

**_“And never knowin' what could've been”_ **

Merriell drummed his fingers on the table, thoughts running rampant through his mind. It was so hard trying to be strong and not get in his truck and go to Eugene.

Spending the holidays alone was always difficult. What he would give to have a cute little house, a dog and gaze at Eugene while laying in front of the fire. If he could, he’d spend the rest of his life taking care of him.

He’d received one letter about a month ago that as of yet he hadn’t opened. Huffing out a sigh he turned the letter over in his hands, now or never he thought. 

Ripping open the envelope he pulled the letter out, unfolding it and began to read.

_Dearest Merriell,_

_First of all, I want you to know I’m not upset with you. I’m just incredibly hurt. There are a lot of things I wish I’d said to you that may have changed your mind before you left me on that train. I feel lost without you. A piece of me is missing. There are so many things that remind me of you everyday. I’m just going to say it, and stop beating around the bush. I love you Merriell Shelton and I miss you more than you could ever know. Should you find it in your heart, please respond. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. I need you._

_Always,_

_Eugene_

  
  
  



End file.
